Sincerest Apologies, I Still Don’t Have a Plan

Redundancy Diaries #6 - no roadmap, no job, but weirdly, lots of clarity

This is number 6 in my Redundancy Diaries series, where I document the wild ride of losing my job and everything that came with it: structure, routine, and the illusion that I had it all figured out.

So, it’s been eight months of unemployment. I still have no answers. I don’t have a plan as such, nor do I have any career certainty.

In case you’re new here: the title’s a joke. I don’t have any apologies to myself or anyone else for not having a job yet, or a neat job title in mind.

There was a period when that felt like a failure. I was disappointed, very much so. And heck, 21-year-old me would’ve been wildly shocked, appalled even. She wanted to be a Senior Exec by this point!

But I’ve come to accept that this is where I’m at and that not having a plan doesn’t mean I’m lost. I don’t need to have all the answers to be moving forward.

Shaky illustration by the author @imogenmarycreative

I’m in a phase of building now, I think. Laying foundations. I have overarching themes, a ‘North Star’ if we must label it. It’s still loose, but I think that’s what’s helping me trust myself and the direction I’m heading in.

What am I building? I can’t say exactly. Not to be secretive, you know that’s not my style I just literally don’t know.

But I’ll tell you what I think the building blocks are, later in this piece.

First, I’ll tell you a little bit about where I’m at.

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I really did think I’d have a job by now

I always loved a good plan. My three best friends were:

Plan, Control & Certainty.

We were a fun bunch!

We kind of fell out. I was sad for a while. But then I found some new friends, their names are:

Patience, Trust & Don’t Be A B**** To Yourself.

When I lost my job, I saw a very clear path ahead of me: honeymoon in December, come back in January, get a job by March. Easy.

I know, that feels absolutely laughable now but I really did think it was feasible.

Lose job in November. Get a new one by March, maximum.

Then it became: oh, maybe April. Then May. Then June.
Now… we’re in July.

But I’m not looking for sympathy here.

The process of job applications was kind of soul destroying. I even got some rejections through five months after I applied. Five months!!!

Initially, I took the rejections as validation that I wasn’t good enough in my role as a Strategist in Marketing/Digital. My confidence felt like it was decreasing every single day and to be honest, it was pretty low anyway.

But as time went on, and I poured more energy into things outside the traditional job hunt, something shifted.

Maybe I didn’t want that path anymore.
Maybe that’s why the jobs weren’t landing. Or at least, partly.

So at some point, or maybe a series of small points, I stopped chasing the one big goal (get a job), and started just doing things. Not for a title. Not for a Plan. But just to see where it takes me.

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The Tiny Experiments Phase

So now I’m taking a teeny tiny experiments approach. Uncertainty creates the perfect space for that, it seems.

These have ranged from writing:

• Showing up consistently on Substack

• Starting series on Substack (I love this one!)

To exploring the world of freelance:

• Chatting to freelancers to see how they make it work

• Mapping out what services I could offer.

To managing working from home and only being around myself (as an extravert lol):

• Going to a co-working space once a week

• Going to cafés (even if they’re a 35min walk)

To the random creative bits:

• Setting up an Etsy store for my illustrations

• Sharing my home DIY and craft projects on Instagram.

They’re not unlinked. And I think the key to not feeling guilty about doing all of these things has been:

a) Accepting that I’m building

b) Finding the common thread.

And on that note, I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps I finally have some of this ‘clarity’ thing that people talk about.

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Am I on a career break?

I’ve also finally come to the realisation and acceptance that I might be on a ‘career break’.

I realised this when I asked my therapist if I was, indeed, on a career break. I often ask her questions that I really should be answering myself and yes, I know I should probably work on that.

I saw career breaks as time that people had chosen to take off. I never planned a break. I wanted a full-time job, fast.

But the thing is, I need a little pause. I need to take some of the pressures off, even if just for a short while.

And for me that looks like:

• Healing from burnout and anxiety

• Rebuilding confidence in myself, my personality

• Spending time in my relationship

• Spending time settling into my new town, and my house

• Writing more honestly than I’ve ever done before

• Starting a masters degree.

Labels aren’t necessary, but I think that having a term for it helps me to accept that I am pausing. It doesn’t mean an opportunity might not arise tomorrow. It also doesn’t mean I’ve given up on my career. And hell, even if anyone did want to give up on their career, who am I to judge? Good for you!

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I’m excited but really nervous

I still have a lot of conflicting emotions.

I feel ridiculously excited, happy and over the moon at many things. But I also feel a lot of guilt, and shame still.

I’d like to work on that but also, I know I don’t have the luxury of one emotion inhabiting my brain. Like Inside Out, but if allllll the emotions were constantly bickering and no one was at the controls.

I do need to get paid work still, to go alongside my masters degree.

But I’m really nervous about working again.

Nine years in the corporate world. I managed lots of people, accounts, projects. I presented to senior execs, I thrived in “fast-paced” and “high-pressure” environments (apparently). I was the classic calm, confident duck on water. People praised me for it.

And now? I panic. I worry that I won’t be good enough at anything. I can feel the anxiety throughout my entire body.

But I also know that feeling apprehensive after some time away from the working world is understandable, and expected. I imagine a lot of people feel that.

So yeah, on that front, if anyone has any wise words then I am all ears. Here’s a magical CTA to leave a comment for that!

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Trusting myself in uncertainty

A lot of the time I still wake up with the panic.

Will I ever get a job again?

But wow if there was ever a time to learn to finally trust myself, it’s now! And I can see it working already. Being on Substack, sharing these probably way too vulnerable posts. That’s me trusting myself.

Choosing a full-time degree over part-time, which is a big commitment, is trusting myself.

Taking myself away from the linear path (at least for now), is me trusting myself.

All I can do is have faith, and trust that I’m making the right calls, and doing the right things. And I think that’s one of the absolute best lessons we can learn in life, to trust our judgment and choices, and to move forward with conviction.

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I should probably start owning my journey now

All of this is great, but I do now need to learn to back myself when I speak to people. Especially when my work will probably involve freelance, consulting, and being very independent.

But it’s weird, it’s as if other people have more of an issue with uncertainty now than I do?

Within one week of starting my degree, I’d already been asked what I’d specialise in, what kind of Psychologist I wanted to be. I don’t even know if I want to specialise or study further. I’m wildly passionate about the subject, but I can’t say for sure what I’ll do with it.

But people seem to want me to know, already.

They don’t ask about my writing, even when I say I’m working really hard on it.

Perhaps it’s because they feel awkward. They don’t understand what I’m doing with it. It doesn’t align with a specific job (in their eyes). They don’t think I’m serious about it.

Well, I am deadly serious about it.

But, I also wonder if I’m projecting a bit. Am I looking for confirmation that they “don’t get it”? Maybe. I’m still shy when I discuss what I’m doing now, and scared of being judged.

But I’d love it if my friends and family asked me more. They don’t need to read anything, but instead of being asked the default things, I’d love something like this:

“How’s the writing going? Tell me about your latest piece!”

I don’t know. It kind of hurts but also, I think that’s what comes with not taking a linear path.

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Consistency(ish) at something, finally!

I’ve always thought I was bad at consistency. But maybe it wasn’t a discipline issue, but anxiety, perfectionism, and a severe fear of failing.

The fact that I’ve written twice a week for three months? That’s huge. Genuinely, it makes me emotional.

For the first time, I’m staying with something long enough to see it evolve.

And I’ve learned that joy and intrinsic motivation are much better drivers for me than external pressure. It’s not about what others are doing, or who sees it. It’s about choosing to keep going and proving to yourself that you can.

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What I know now

Even if I don’t have a job title or a five-year plan, I do have something solid now — the themes that keep showing up, the work I return to again and again.

I’ve got my common thread. My pillars. My focus areas.

• Writing

• Psychology

• Sharing creative projects

I know what I’m so ridiculously passionate about:

• Encouraging open, vulnerable and honest conversations

• Helping others build their confidence

• Bringing joy to people’s days

I’m really happy with these.

I still don’t know where any of them lead, and they will likely evolve along the way. But I like this building phase. I like that it feels honest, real, and really, really, really

REALLY

me.

That’s all for now!

Love from,

Imi

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If you reeeeally liked this post…

Then you are most welcome to Buy me a coffee ☕ to fuel the next round of chaotic reflections and heartfelt ramblings. No pressure—I’ll still be here, overthinking for free. But if you fancy it, I’ll raise my mug to you with gratitude!

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Or you could read some more!

Here are my favourite two from the Redundancy Diaries Series.