The Loneliness of Self-Preservation

How protecting my peace slowly became isolating, and what I'm learning now.

This is number 7 in my Redundancy Diaries series (what? already?!), where I document the wild ride of losing my job and everything that came with it: structure, routine, and the illusion that I had it all figured out.

At the start of the year, unemployment and too much alone time pushed me into full-on ‘protect your energy’ mode.

We’re not talking boundaries, we’re talking sky-high walls. Friendship audits. A long-term residency in self-care city.

And I did a stellar job, as someone who was historically bad at shape-shifting to fit in.

Another lil illustration from yours truly!

I stopped putting effort in with a lot of people. I let bad friendships fade. I made sure I could shut out judgement from people around me. I adjusted away from life in a very sociable office, and moved to being at home most of the time.

I do have people around me still — a great husband, family, and some amazing friends.

I’ve actually been thriving in a lot of areas, more confident, self-trusting, creative.

But lately, I’ve been wondering if perhaps I went in too hard. If perhaps my self-preservation has formed such a strong shield that I’m no longer letting the good things in.

Because despite the growth I’m experiencing, I’ve realised I’ve been feeling really very lonely. And I think I’ve used the positivity to mask the lack of some of things I actually really do need in my days, in my life.

So now I’m trying to figure out how to balance a full-time online degree and a solitary writing life with the very real need for human connection.

Because I need both. Not in extremes, but in balance.

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Isolation As A Coping Mechanism

In February, I returned from the most glorious time travelling, packed my entire flat, and moved out of London to a new town.

Work had always been my safety net. It gave me structure, momentum, and a built-in social life. My friends were nearby. Catch-ups were easy. I never thought twice about train fares, travel time, or making plans.

The new town was only forty minutes away, but with unemployment came new money worries, and everything suddenly felt heavier.

At the same time, I kind of needed the slower pace. A lifestyle that suited my studies and writing—both of which lend themselves to introspection. But in chasing that, I think I lost touch with the version of me who thrived in a team, who loved leading, solving problems, and motivating people. All the parts of work I’d genuinely enjoyed.

Faced with all the change, and a lot of time alone, a big part of me just wanted to forget my old life entirely: the city, the friendships, the work, the colleagues.

Because it hurt too much to miss it, to think about what I’d lost.

So, I think I just decided to take matters into my own hands, to form some kind of Suit of Armour around the “new me”, my new life — the more independent, solitary, creative version.

I sent fewer texts, declined invites, and focused my energy inward. It felt like protection. Control.

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Those Who Stick By You, and Those Who Don’t

A major catalyst for this shift was unexpected changes in friendships.

One in particular caught me off guard. A friend from my last job—someone I’d shared coffees, lunches, and countless mid-work rants with. We’d built what I believed was one of those rare, golden adult friendships. The kind you treasure because they’re hard to come by once life gets busy.

I absolutely adored them, but after I left the company, the friendship quickly faded. I tried my hardest to cling on but the effort just wasn’t there. I’m not being dramatic (well, maybe a little) when I say that I was heartbroken. Maybe not full on smashed the heart in two, but a little fracture.

And I wondered if that deep connection had ever been real, or whether it was just proximity — were we close just because it was convenient?

I know my emotional state played a big part in how I processed it. I took it more personally than I would’ve if I wasn’t already tearing my hair out five days a week job hunting.

At the time, I didn’t feel like I had the strength to handle any more rejection. I was already depleted. A slow WhatsApp reply, or a friend not visiting me in my new place felt heavier than it should’ve.

In the past, I might’ve brushed it off, but when you're working remotely, not very distracted, and on your phone a lot… the silence gets louder, and it’s much easier to retreat into your little shell.

Believe me, I never wanted to be that person. The one who hangs out by themselves and then waits for their partner to come home. Luckily, my husband has to accept me, because divorce is expensive, lol.

But I guess I felt like if I chose that solitude myself, it took away the prospect of someone else choosing it for me. It gave me a sense of control.

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“No one will get it”

I’ve spoken before about how tricky social situations can be when you’re not on a linear career path—especially when you’ve decided that your main “job” is writing emotional essays on the internet lol.

I definitely defaulted to “they won’t get it”.

I didn’t want to feel embarrassed in conversation, or have someone not understand.

I didn’t want to explain myself, or worse, be misunderstood. So I shut down. Because if I didn’t give people the chance to misunderstand me, they couldn’t hurt me.

This narrative led to a cut down on social situations, and a lot of anxiety in the lead up to those I did go to. That hurts to admit, because I really love people. I love connection.

I don’t want to be scared of not being understood anymore. I want to embrace it but it’s so, so hard. It takes so much strength and resilience to stand by your own decisions and path.

Avoiding misunderstanding kept me safe. But it also kept me alone.

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Questioning My Self-Imposed Solitude

A friend messaged me the other day asking how I was getting on. I read the message and my brain went “what do they want?”.

What do they want!

My own reaction shocked me. There was nothing in the message to suggest they wanted anything other than to check in.

That scared me, and I began to wonder –
Am I now just assuming the worst in people?
Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Yes, it’s smart to be selective with your energy. But sometimes we don’t even give people a chance to show up.

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Putting Yourself Out There Is Hard, Even When You Know You Need It

I now have so many minor decisions to make about how to structure my week and manage my time, that I often get overwhelmed by it all.

My brain often convinced me that everything I did needed to be productive, to lead to something career wise. Seeing friends slid right down to the bottom of the list, to low priority, even a chore.

And I find myself worse at responding to messages, because each message feels like another task, when before it felt like a lovely welcome distraction.

And I guess the anxiety around it has probably deepened my loneliness.

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Independence Doesn’t Have To Mean Isolation

SO yeah, wow, lots to unpack there as per! You know you can absolutely always count on me for 5,000 words on me, myself, and my reflections.

But I also wanted to talk about the good of all of this, and probably the reason why it’s taken until now to truly accept that I probably need to make a change.

I remember being sat in the room with my therapist about six months before getting laid off. We discussed whether I should just quit my job (I wasn’t happy), and that this could potentially lead me to being stuck on my own at home, unemployed, for a long period of time. I said I’d struggle with this too much. I believe my words were along the lines of “there is no way in hell that I would be able to be by myself that much”.

Because I thrived in an office full of people, I thought well, I could never start my own business. Because I need people. I’m not independent.

I constantly sought the approval of those around me, rather than myself, so I thought I needed external validation.

And the beautiful, incredible, mind-blowing thing, is that I’ve proven myself very wrong with that.

Because I’ve now had six months of being by myself. Six months!!! I managed to somehow make some amazing friends the minute I moved.

But in general, I spend four of five days by myself, studying, writing, and working on my freelancing services. I go for walks. I go for runs. I meet a friend for co-working a bit.

And although it’s not perfect, I’ve been kind of fine?

I think you could even say, that I’ve made the most of it?!

And I have had seriously low points, but on a whole, I’ve enjoyed a lot of it.

I’ve spent a TONNE of time by myself.

And ok ok, I can hear you all going ‘but you do get some really damn lovely comments here on Substack’ and I won’t lie, I think that’s massively helped. Like, majorly so. That’s why I occasionally write a gushing note thanking you all. Because it really does mean a lot. That gives me my external validation boost still, I guess.

But the fact is, I’m independent as heck right now, and I’ve been doing well.

It reminds me that resilience is born out of uncertainty and often a drastic change. Sometimes we need to go through it to trust ourselves that we can do it.

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What I Know Now

I do feel strongly about protecting your energy, and not giving it to people who don’t give it back.

And I value learning to enjoy your own company a lot.

But I know now the danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, of protecting myself too much and in turn, not letting enough good in.

I’ve been neglecting the part of me that craves connection. I want to change that. I don’t know exactly how—but I’m open, and that’s a start.

That’s all for now!

Love from,

Imi

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Here is the last post from my Redundancy Diaries Series.