This was so good. I havent finished yesterday but I read quite a bit and its resonates with me. Heavy on Why commitment can feel like both safety and suffocation
I had the same doubts -I never wanted to get married. My future husband knew so when he proposed he said “ it is like a chemical reaction and can be reversed.“
Maybe not the most romantic words but the ones I needed to hear. Fifty years later I am still married to this chemist.
This made me laugh, thank you. Not romantic sure, but holds the same sentiment I found helpful which was that actually, it can be reversed. You’re not trapped! Sometimes just knowing that gives you the space to realise it IS what you want!
I remember pulling over into a lay by a week before our wedding. I wept - was it the right decision? Was I truly over my first love? Given that you’ve just reminded me it’s our Ruby Wedding in November, I guess it was 😂
Haha awh I love that. Well, the Ruby Wedding part!! I can't believe how much I didn't realise people felt the same way at the time. I love hearing about other experiences, and especially when they've then been married for 40 years!!
“….sometimes, it’s through the hardest moments that we learn the most about love, freedom, and what really matters”.
Thank you so much for your candor. Your post was poignant in its vulnerability and you brought a presence of mind which revealed aspects of courage and strength about you. You obviously have much to offer for many who may glean from your experiences. Happy anniversary to both of you! 🙂
Wow, thank you so much for commenting and saying such kind words. I would love to help anyone going through a similar thing, so this means a lot! And thanks for the anniversary wishes!
A couple of things I noted in this comprehensive piece, your second thoughts seemed to be about the loss of freedom, rather than is this the right guy. And it appears, probably not just for you, but once the big wedding locomotive wheels start rolling, with everyone onboard, stopping that train is tough. That big shift from we’ve agreed to get married to the what the hell moment you experienced. Great job.
You've hit the nail on the head there. And the way you describe it there with the 'big wedding locomotive wheels' and 'stopping that train is tough' is brilliant. That's just it, it becomes such a massive thing that I think it amplifies everything else.
Thank you for writing this. I had similar thoughts and feelings. About a month before my wedding, a close family member said it made her "sick to her stomach" that I was about to marry someone I wasn't completely utterly convinced was my soul mate. That shook me because I didn't think that needed to be the criteria (I was 46 and had already been married and divorced. Call me jaded.) It also made me not want to share any more feelings of doubt or annoyance, etc. for fear of being convinced I was doing it wrong. So yeah, I needed to read your post. Thanks again.
Jeez. What a comment for someone to make! That's the kind of thing that made me write this though, and made me pick the title I picked. I think a lot of people see it as black and white and it's just not. How can we even know what will happen in the future? I have so much to say on that, so it'll be coming up in the series haha!
Thank you so, so much for taking the time to comment and share your experience with this Beth. It's truly appreciated and I'm really happy that it resonated with you!
Such a beautiful piece! I have a similar experience: not marriage fright to be exact, but on the second day after my wedding, I discovered that I was pregnant. Like in the blink of an eye my identity has shifted from a girl to wife AND mother. The weight of a marriage was too heavy for me to bear and I have been really depressed for a period of time. Even as of today I can't say that I am fully healed, but I know that it's a journey in which we continuous to grow and become a better person. ❤️
Wow!! That sounds like a lot. I have a friend who had similar, just a week after for her. I remember at the time wondering why she wasn’t over the moon that it had happened so quickly, but I now understand better I hope.
I’m so sorry that it’s been heavy for you. On the healing note - if there’s one thing I’m gradually trying to learn, it’s that healing takes a lot longer than we think. Always. I think most people will always be healing from something and that’s a hard thought. But as you say, continuing to grow and accept the journey is so important.
💯!! I feel like for a lot of the time what really weighs us down isn't the uncomfortable emotions, but the shame we pile on top for feeling them at all. Now I have learnt to accept all feelings of mine without judgment.
My first marriage, at 5:00am the morning of my wedding I woke and sat outside knowing I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But I took it as nerves. It wasn’t. 🥲 4 years later we divorced. It was only years later did I discover that my dad lay crying knowing I was going to regret it. Life…. But saying this, we learn, we grow. The pain does go.
This was so good. I havent finished yesterday but I read quite a bit and its resonates with me. Heavy on Why commitment can feel like both safety and suffocation
Thank you and I'm here to stay
I had the same doubts -I never wanted to get married. My future husband knew so when he proposed he said “ it is like a chemical reaction and can be reversed.“
Maybe not the most romantic words but the ones I needed to hear. Fifty years later I am still married to this chemist.
This made me laugh, thank you. Not romantic sure, but holds the same sentiment I found helpful which was that actually, it can be reversed. You’re not trapped! Sometimes just knowing that gives you the space to realise it IS what you want!
Thanks for sharing!
I remember pulling over into a lay by a week before our wedding. I wept - was it the right decision? Was I truly over my first love? Given that you’ve just reminded me it’s our Ruby Wedding in November, I guess it was 😂
Haha awh I love that. Well, the Ruby Wedding part!! I can't believe how much I didn't realise people felt the same way at the time. I love hearing about other experiences, and especially when they've then been married for 40 years!!
Thanks for sharing!
“….sometimes, it’s through the hardest moments that we learn the most about love, freedom, and what really matters”.
Thank you so much for your candor. Your post was poignant in its vulnerability and you brought a presence of mind which revealed aspects of courage and strength about you. You obviously have much to offer for many who may glean from your experiences. Happy anniversary to both of you! 🙂
Wow, thank you so much for commenting and saying such kind words. I would love to help anyone going through a similar thing, so this means a lot! And thanks for the anniversary wishes!
A couple of things I noted in this comprehensive piece, your second thoughts seemed to be about the loss of freedom, rather than is this the right guy. And it appears, probably not just for you, but once the big wedding locomotive wheels start rolling, with everyone onboard, stopping that train is tough. That big shift from we’ve agreed to get married to the what the hell moment you experienced. Great job.
You've hit the nail on the head there. And the way you describe it there with the 'big wedding locomotive wheels' and 'stopping that train is tough' is brilliant. That's just it, it becomes such a massive thing that I think it amplifies everything else.
Thanks for you comment, Kevin!
Thank you for writing this. I had similar thoughts and feelings. About a month before my wedding, a close family member said it made her "sick to her stomach" that I was about to marry someone I wasn't completely utterly convinced was my soul mate. That shook me because I didn't think that needed to be the criteria (I was 46 and had already been married and divorced. Call me jaded.) It also made me not want to share any more feelings of doubt or annoyance, etc. for fear of being convinced I was doing it wrong. So yeah, I needed to read your post. Thanks again.
Jeez. What a comment for someone to make! That's the kind of thing that made me write this though, and made me pick the title I picked. I think a lot of people see it as black and white and it's just not. How can we even know what will happen in the future? I have so much to say on that, so it'll be coming up in the series haha!
Thank you so, so much for taking the time to comment and share your experience with this Beth. It's truly appreciated and I'm really happy that it resonated with you!
Such a beautiful piece! I have a similar experience: not marriage fright to be exact, but on the second day after my wedding, I discovered that I was pregnant. Like in the blink of an eye my identity has shifted from a girl to wife AND mother. The weight of a marriage was too heavy for me to bear and I have been really depressed for a period of time. Even as of today I can't say that I am fully healed, but I know that it's a journey in which we continuous to grow and become a better person. ❤️
Wow!! That sounds like a lot. I have a friend who had similar, just a week after for her. I remember at the time wondering why she wasn’t over the moon that it had happened so quickly, but I now understand better I hope.
I’m so sorry that it’s been heavy for you. On the healing note - if there’s one thing I’m gradually trying to learn, it’s that healing takes a lot longer than we think. Always. I think most people will always be healing from something and that’s a hard thought. But as you say, continuing to grow and accept the journey is so important.
Also, a lot of kindness to yourself 😊
💯!! I feel like for a lot of the time what really weighs us down isn't the uncomfortable emotions, but the shame we pile on top for feeling them at all. Now I have learnt to accept all feelings of mine without judgment.
My first marriage, at 5:00am the morning of my wedding I woke and sat outside knowing I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But I took it as nerves. It wasn’t. 🥲 4 years later we divorced. It was only years later did I discover that my dad lay crying knowing I was going to regret it. Life…. But saying this, we learn, we grow. The pain does go.
Oh no! I'm sorry that happened. Hopefully it'll be different for me hahaha
Oh definitely. Sorry I put a dampener on your beautiful post. It was not intended that way. .
Not at all! I'm happy if it encourages others to reflect and share their own story!!