Deeply HSP and extroverted here. So I’ve learned to draw it out of them. I, in turn, become a person who feels safe enough for them to do so. But it’s the evolution of the friendship, and is rarely there from the start.
And as my therapist says about my deep processing… some people love to visit you there, but not everyone wants to live there. lol
Yes! I think that’s why I find it so amazing when I have deeper conversations, because often it’s me drawing it out of them as well. It’s lovely when someone starts opening up.
And the therapist comment is excellent. It’s funny I wrote this piece as a bit of fun, whilst appreciating not everyone is like that. Now I want to write a piece about how I need to remind myself that not everyone will meet me there 😅
Leo…that therapist line? I felt that one. As a fellow deep-processing HSP (who built an entire sanctuary for folks like us), I get it. Creating safe space is second nature, but you’re right, not everyone wants to live there. Still, it’s where the good stuff lives. Glad I came across your message💛
Wow! What a pleasure Leo! Music to my ears. This tells me that you’ve walked the red soil and felt the rhythm of our skies. I so love that. Kenya stays with you, doesn’t it? She’s beauty, grit, and memory all at once. Thank you for holding her with such tenderness. So glad we connected. Gonna give you a follow for sure to stay in touch. Would love to hear what part of Kenya still lives in your body when the memory fades? 💛
Wow! Leo,I love how you painted Kenya like a love letter, and my heart felt every word. Dawa at sunset, baby rhinos, the Mara,you saw her. There’s something about that land. It doesn’t just stay in your memory, it settles in your bones. I’m so glad you got to feel her welcome. I appreciate you sharing. So glad we connected🙏💛
I loved this, as someone with ADHD I also find small talk painful and still often fall into it. Kids school pick up is especially painful (I wrote a post of this too 😄). The very best is when two ADHD people meet up because we go there, tmi / weird questions, the whole bit.
Ahahaha love that. And I actually am scared about school parents and the whole pick up when I have kids… I’ve got this fear it’ll just be everyone being really competitive about their kids and me stood there wanting to talk about random stuff 😂
I love this! It reminds me of a group newsletter app I’ve been using with my friends lately! It’s called Letterloop and I feel like it’s helped us more easily connect on a deeper level with more thoughtful questions like this. Next step is doing it in real life!!
Alyssa, this sounds so sweet and intentional thank you for sharing it! I’d never heard of Letterloop before reading your comment. I love that so much because as a HSP this speaks to me. I’m definitely going to look into it. Anything that brings real conversation back to the table? Count me in. 💛
Right with you on the small talk 🙋🏼♀️ This has reminded me that at school I loved to ask my friends ‘what’s the most you’ve ever laughed?’ Genuis. Now I’m contemplating bringing that out at the school gates. That would liven up the school gate chat!
Hahaha I actually did, not ones did I get asked about my job there and it made me think of your post and made me smile. I really do want to try to come up with some cool questions of my own to ask instead of the default ones.
As an HSP with a chronic illness that means I get twice as easily drained (or ten times so, actually) I'm guilty of asking people the standard small talk questions in order to let them happily ramble on about themselves so I can just tune out. What is more of a necessity for me is to have a cache of replies to the standard questions I don't want to answer, that will deflect the need for me to struggle.
As a fellow HSP, I am also allergic to the conversational tofu of “Not bad, thanks.”
I want to know what you saw that made you pause. What made you ache, or laugh when you didn’t want to. I just wrote something on curiosity—it’s the only thing that keeps me from bolting mid-chat. Well, that, & snacks.
II enjoyed reading your insightful piece. I like your answer to what is you do. I think that is nice and really opens the door for further conversation. I hate small talk and I'm not very good at conversation starters or ice breakers, but your suggestions are great.
Totally feel this. At one point while building my business, I found myself getting pulled into the local service clubs circuit. And the small talk I had to endure was actually trauma inducing for me. And the anticipatory dread I felt when just thinking about the next meeting almost rose to existential crisis levels. I felt a little bad for characterizing this as such, but if I wasn’t talking with someone who not only had a shared interest with me but also had to be able to relate to me on a similar intellectual level….i just didn’t want to engage. And yeah, lots of ADHD going on here.
I’ve become an expert in taking the “how are you?” and somehow discussing things like “ADHD parenting and struggle with it” or how someone’s wife gave them the support to take his tech layoff and build a successful house painting business with a newborn and two kids under 5. Small talk is not possible with me 😂😂😂
Very rarely will a conversation die because I can find a way to connect to anyone.
Love this for you!! I always admire people who can find a way to connect with anyone. As much as I write about it here, I'm not always so good at that. So thank you!
Hey Imogen! I felt every word of this. I’ve always been the one who wanted real talk not job titles or weekend plans, but what’s really going on underneath. As a fellow HSP, your post made me feel so seen. I built something called The HSP Sanctuary for folks like us where we can talk about what we’re feeling, not just what we’re doing. I subscribed to follow your healing journey. So glad our paths crossed. 💛
Hey Sly! Appreciate all your kind comments on my posts and in discussions. Literally love how you're replying to other people!! Isn't it amazing how everyone writes such insightful things, and shares their insight, even if it's just a sentence or two.
Your words mean the world to me Imogen. I feel like we’re all weaving a soft, thoughtful web together, one insight, one soul-truth at a time.You make this space feel like a conversation, not a platform. So grateful to be in this little corner of the internet with you. 💛🤗
This comment made me tear up though. 'Like a conversation' is how my friends described the way I spoke during my wedding speech, which was basically me taking the piss out of me and my husband, mixed in with some thank yous. It really stuck with me and sparked something, which it's taken a year to develop into a writing style. I really want it to feel like that so much. We don't need more platforms!
Okay, I didn’t know where to jump in, so… crashing this thread it is. One word: mind-blowing. Honestly, Imi how do you even keep up? I can’t imagine what your Substack notifications look like—does your little bell have 500+ next to it?
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but… do you secretly outsource replies to AI? 😂 Because this is more than a newsletter; it’s a full-blown community.
Anyway, greetings aside—I loved your post on small talk. Strangely, I find it way easier (and more fun) with strangers than acquaintances. Could be an Uber driver, the person next to me on the train, or someone in line for noodles, I’m always up for a good random chat…and the beauty is, if it flops, I never have to see them again. 😄
I do love deep conversations too not just ‘How are you?’ but ‘What do you mean by how you are?’ You know?
Also… confession: when I first joined Substack a few weeks ago, I got a little obsessed with those hearts that come without comments. I even wrote a post about it. Total spiral. 😅
Love it here, I might have to crash your party again real soon.
Hello!! Hahaha no replies outsourced to AI. I think it would add too much grammar and try to make it too profound sounding 😂😂
I guess I’ve had the time to check things so respond where something has made me be like “yes!!! I wanna reply.” The notifications are a little overwhelming. My immediate worry was are people subscribing for the note and not the posts? Lovely but I don’t know, I’ve never experienced that level of nice comments. It’s made me think jeez, I need to back myself more! Take these in!
Leo and Sly are their convo (hey both) has been a very unexpected joy 😁 I’m not even involved. But I love to read it and get the notifications! And I love that it’s just casually in the comments of my post 😁
Wow. If you asked me what I’d love to create a few months ago, it was a community and space where people can be open and themselves. So that’s why comments like this get me, in a very lovely way. Thank you ☺️
You’ve got that rare gift because your words do feel like a conversation, the kind that makes people lean in closer. I love that your wedding speech planted that seed. What a beautiful thread to pull through your writing now. Keep that magic; we don’t need more platforms, just more spaces that feel like this. I'm so grateful we connected, and we can continue to have these conversations.💛
I really love this piece, humor, advice and understanding that is coming out of this. I don't like small talks very much as they are too shallow mostly, I sometimes prefer to keep quiet and feel OK about it. But then I realize maybe I miss an opportunity for deeper connection..keep writing about it!
Your husbands question just made me laugh out loud especially because I'm about to leave for a festival tomorrow and now I'm wondering!
But I loved this piece and it's questions. I just had a phone call with a friend last week who's just getting out of a depression and out of the blue she asked me "what makes you truly happy these days?" and I loved it so much for her, that she can see the good again, for me to reflect on it and be able to share the things I love. We both went out of that phone call with more love in our hearts.
I so agree with you that those are the conversations we need, not more superficial small talk.
I'm the opposite of a highly sensitive person, and I find comfort in a little small talk. I'm too much of a coward to broach the topics I'm really interested in: politics, religion, technology. I think that they might cause conflict.
Thank you so much for sharing a different perspective on this — it reminds me that for so many small talk actually is a wonderful thing.
Also, it’s so much harder to gauge whether it’s right to dig deeper, and open up conversations on really tough but important topics like that. Sometimes it’s more finding the right people, and feeling safe to do so.
I really enjoyed this piece. Small talk is a real problem for me…it’s a sleeper. There’s a continuum of extremes between the Happiness high and the Quiet contentment types. Being from the latter, your trip to Paris is a bore for me. On the other hand the Thrill seekers might find what I have to say pretty undramatic…well I was reflecting on the big question yesterday and wrote a substack article. (Literally, check it out, The Unfinished Question). You offer some great advice that I will definitely test out. Great job Imi. Keep writing…
Thanks so much for this comment Kevin, and for your encouragement in my writing!
I love your take on the happiness high vs. quiet contentment spectrum — I actually hadn’t heard of the phrases before but having a read up on them now. It’s such a useful way to think about how we experience life differently!
I’ll definitely check out your The Unfinished Question piece 😊
I love your answer to what you do.
Deeply HSP and extroverted here. So I’ve learned to draw it out of them. I, in turn, become a person who feels safe enough for them to do so. But it’s the evolution of the friendship, and is rarely there from the start.
And as my therapist says about my deep processing… some people love to visit you there, but not everyone wants to live there. lol
Yes! I think that’s why I find it so amazing when I have deeper conversations, because often it’s me drawing it out of them as well. It’s lovely when someone starts opening up.
And the therapist comment is excellent. It’s funny I wrote this piece as a bit of fun, whilst appreciating not everyone is like that. Now I want to write a piece about how I need to remind myself that not everyone will meet me there 😅
Me too.
Maybe it’s that not everyone can meet us there as often as we’d like. For me, that feels pretty true also.
Leo…that therapist line? I felt that one. As a fellow deep-processing HSP (who built an entire sanctuary for folks like us), I get it. Creating safe space is second nature, but you’re right, not everyone wants to live there. Still, it’s where the good stuff lives. Glad I came across your message💛
Thanks! I see you’re Kenyan-American!
I’ve been to Kenya and it is an incredibly beautiful country. Memories from that experience will stay with me for the rest of my life.💕
Wow! What a pleasure Leo! Music to my ears. This tells me that you’ve walked the red soil and felt the rhythm of our skies. I so love that. Kenya stays with you, doesn’t it? She’s beauty, grit, and memory all at once. Thank you for holding her with such tenderness. So glad we connected. Gonna give you a follow for sure to stay in touch. Would love to hear what part of Kenya still lives in your body when the memory fades? 💛
Yes, majestic and beautiful!
Drinking dawa’s and watching the incredible sunsets. The phenomenally beautiful landscapes and wildlife.
Lewa Reserve, Mt Kenya, Enasoit, and the Maasai Mara! And Nairobi was an eye-opener.
Seeing all the baby animals was also a highlight. Is there anything cuter than a baby rhino?
And the warmth and welcome we felt from everyone we met. Just a warm, lovely people, proud to share their amazing heritage and country. 💕
Wow! Leo,I love how you painted Kenya like a love letter, and my heart felt every word. Dawa at sunset, baby rhinos, the Mara,you saw her. There’s something about that land. It doesn’t just stay in your memory, it settles in your bones. I’m so glad you got to feel her welcome. I appreciate you sharing. So glad we connected🙏💛
I loved this, as someone with ADHD I also find small talk painful and still often fall into it. Kids school pick up is especially painful (I wrote a post of this too 😄). The very best is when two ADHD people meet up because we go there, tmi / weird questions, the whole bit.
Ahahaha love that. And I actually am scared about school parents and the whole pick up when I have kids… I’ve got this fear it’ll just be everyone being really competitive about their kids and me stood there wanting to talk about random stuff 😂
The key is to find the other weirdos and band together 😄
I love this! It reminds me of a group newsletter app I’ve been using with my friends lately! It’s called Letterloop and I feel like it’s helped us more easily connect on a deeper level with more thoughtful questions like this. Next step is doing it in real life!!
Wait what! I’ve never heard of this but it sounds right up my street, thanks for directing me to it 😁
Also I do think we often need a little push/helping hand to get us to dig deeper. It takes more energy and thought, so an app would be great!
Alyssa, this sounds so sweet and intentional thank you for sharing it! I’d never heard of Letterloop before reading your comment. I love that so much because as a HSP this speaks to me. I’m definitely going to look into it. Anything that brings real conversation back to the table? Count me in. 💛
So here for the comments helping people ☺️☺️
I am so glad I stopped by coz I just learned something new today.💛
Yes!! Hope you enjoy!!
I am going to try it. I downloaded the app. Thank you💛
Right with you on the small talk 🙋🏼♀️ This has reminded me that at school I loved to ask my friends ‘what’s the most you’ve ever laughed?’ Genuis. Now I’m contemplating bringing that out at the school gates. That would liven up the school gate chat!
Hahaha I actually did, not ones did I get asked about my job there and it made me think of your post and made me smile. I really do want to try to come up with some cool questions of my own to ask instead of the default ones.
As an HSP with a chronic illness that means I get twice as easily drained (or ten times so, actually) I'm guilty of asking people the standard small talk questions in order to let them happily ramble on about themselves so I can just tune out. What is more of a necessity for me is to have a cache of replies to the standard questions I don't want to answer, that will deflect the need for me to struggle.
As a fellow HSP, I am also allergic to the conversational tofu of “Not bad, thanks.”
I want to know what you saw that made you pause. What made you ache, or laugh when you didn’t want to. I just wrote something on curiosity—it’s the only thing that keeps me from bolting mid-chat. Well, that, & snacks.
II enjoyed reading your insightful piece. I like your answer to what is you do. I think that is nice and really opens the door for further conversation. I hate small talk and I'm not very good at conversation starters or ice breakers, but your suggestions are great.
Thank you Dorothy!!
Totally feel this. At one point while building my business, I found myself getting pulled into the local service clubs circuit. And the small talk I had to endure was actually trauma inducing for me. And the anticipatory dread I felt when just thinking about the next meeting almost rose to existential crisis levels. I felt a little bad for characterizing this as such, but if I wasn’t talking with someone who not only had a shared interest with me but also had to be able to relate to me on a similar intellectual level….i just didn’t want to engage. And yeah, lots of ADHD going on here.
This made me laugh. Glad it resonated with you!
I’ve become an expert in taking the “how are you?” and somehow discussing things like “ADHD parenting and struggle with it” or how someone’s wife gave them the support to take his tech layoff and build a successful house painting business with a newborn and two kids under 5. Small talk is not possible with me 😂😂😂
Very rarely will a conversation die because I can find a way to connect to anyone.
Love this for you!! I always admire people who can find a way to connect with anyone. As much as I write about it here, I'm not always so good at that. So thank you!
It doesn’t always end well, but I’m so much more conscious of my energy now that it’s way easier and I love digging, lol.
Hey Imogen! I felt every word of this. I’ve always been the one who wanted real talk not job titles or weekend plans, but what’s really going on underneath. As a fellow HSP, your post made me feel so seen. I built something called The HSP Sanctuary for folks like us where we can talk about what we’re feeling, not just what we’re doing. I subscribed to follow your healing journey. So glad our paths crossed. 💛
Hey Sly! Appreciate all your kind comments on my posts and in discussions. Literally love how you're replying to other people!! Isn't it amazing how everyone writes such insightful things, and shares their insight, even if it's just a sentence or two.
Your words mean the world to me Imogen. I feel like we’re all weaving a soft, thoughtful web together, one insight, one soul-truth at a time.You make this space feel like a conversation, not a platform. So grateful to be in this little corner of the internet with you. 💛🤗
This comment made me tear up though. 'Like a conversation' is how my friends described the way I spoke during my wedding speech, which was basically me taking the piss out of me and my husband, mixed in with some thank yous. It really stuck with me and sparked something, which it's taken a year to develop into a writing style. I really want it to feel like that so much. We don't need more platforms!
Okay, I didn’t know where to jump in, so… crashing this thread it is. One word: mind-blowing. Honestly, Imi how do you even keep up? I can’t imagine what your Substack notifications look like—does your little bell have 500+ next to it?
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but… do you secretly outsource replies to AI? 😂 Because this is more than a newsletter; it’s a full-blown community.
Anyway, greetings aside—I loved your post on small talk. Strangely, I find it way easier (and more fun) with strangers than acquaintances. Could be an Uber driver, the person next to me on the train, or someone in line for noodles, I’m always up for a good random chat…and the beauty is, if it flops, I never have to see them again. 😄
I do love deep conversations too not just ‘How are you?’ but ‘What do you mean by how you are?’ You know?
Also… confession: when I first joined Substack a few weeks ago, I got a little obsessed with those hearts that come without comments. I even wrote a post about it. Total spiral. 😅
Love it here, I might have to crash your party again real soon.
And Hello Sly..
Hello!! Hahaha no replies outsourced to AI. I think it would add too much grammar and try to make it too profound sounding 😂😂
I guess I’ve had the time to check things so respond where something has made me be like “yes!!! I wanna reply.” The notifications are a little overwhelming. My immediate worry was are people subscribing for the note and not the posts? Lovely but I don’t know, I’ve never experienced that level of nice comments. It’s made me think jeez, I need to back myself more! Take these in!
Leo and Sly are their convo (hey both) has been a very unexpected joy 😁 I’m not even involved. But I love to read it and get the notifications! And I love that it’s just casually in the comments of my post 😁
Wow. If you asked me what I’d love to create a few months ago, it was a community and space where people can be open and themselves. So that’s why comments like this get me, in a very lovely way. Thank you ☺️
You’ve got that rare gift because your words do feel like a conversation, the kind that makes people lean in closer. I love that your wedding speech planted that seed. What a beautiful thread to pull through your writing now. Keep that magic; we don’t need more platforms, just more spaces that feel like this. I'm so grateful we connected, and we can continue to have these conversations.💛
A HSP A WHAT A WHO?
Philip Quigley
26.06.2025
A HSP
IS IT YOU
IS IT ME
OR IS IT WE
MAYBE ITS I TOO
COS I CANT WOO
WHO
A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON
A HSP
CANT WALK BAREFOOT
ON THE GRASS
FEEL WOUNDED
NOT GROUNDED
BUT WELL ROUNDED
A HSP
WITH A PHD
CANT SIT STILL
N WATCH THE TREE
DANCE TO THE BREEZE
WITH WONDER AND EASE
A HSP
CANT LAUGH AT LIFE
OR EVEN THE WIFE
CAUSE SHE MAYBE
TROUBLE AND STRIFE
BRANDISHING A KNIFE
A HSP
IS IT THE H
ID IT THE S
IS IT THE P
THE PERSON
WHO JUST WANTS
TO BE
A HSP
SHOULD SEEK SOME
GLEE
N LAUGHTER
AND LIVE
HAPPY
EVER AFTER
A HIGHLY SOCIABLE
PERSON
I really love this piece, humor, advice and understanding that is coming out of this. I don't like small talks very much as they are too shallow mostly, I sometimes prefer to keep quiet and feel OK about it. But then I realize maybe I miss an opportunity for deeper connection..keep writing about it!
Hey! Thanks so much for this lovely comment, it's made me smile a lot!!
Your husbands question just made me laugh out loud especially because I'm about to leave for a festival tomorrow and now I'm wondering!
But I loved this piece and it's questions. I just had a phone call with a friend last week who's just getting out of a depression and out of the blue she asked me "what makes you truly happy these days?" and I loved it so much for her, that she can see the good again, for me to reflect on it and be able to share the things I love. We both went out of that phone call with more love in our hearts.
I so agree with you that those are the conversations we need, not more superficial small talk.
Kim I missed this! But also it sounds like you're at a festival so I hope you're enjoying! Hope you got some good questions in there hahaha
I'm the opposite of a highly sensitive person, and I find comfort in a little small talk. I'm too much of a coward to broach the topics I'm really interested in: politics, religion, technology. I think that they might cause conflict.
Thank you so much for sharing a different perspective on this — it reminds me that for so many small talk actually is a wonderful thing.
Also, it’s so much harder to gauge whether it’s right to dig deeper, and open up conversations on really tough but important topics like that. Sometimes it’s more finding the right people, and feeling safe to do so.
I really enjoyed this piece. Small talk is a real problem for me…it’s a sleeper. There’s a continuum of extremes between the Happiness high and the Quiet contentment types. Being from the latter, your trip to Paris is a bore for me. On the other hand the Thrill seekers might find what I have to say pretty undramatic…well I was reflecting on the big question yesterday and wrote a substack article. (Literally, check it out, The Unfinished Question). You offer some great advice that I will definitely test out. Great job Imi. Keep writing…
Thanks so much for this comment Kevin, and for your encouragement in my writing!
I love your take on the happiness high vs. quiet contentment spectrum — I actually hadn’t heard of the phrases before but having a read up on them now. It’s such a useful way to think about how we experience life differently!
I’ll definitely check out your The Unfinished Question piece 😊