Dear Group Chats, You Are Forever Muted
Why group chats are too much for me, and how I protect my energy (and sanity) in them
I don’t think I’m in a single group chat I haven’t muted. And not just “24 hours” muted, I mean forever. Or at least until the next baby announcement (‘cause I’m always here for them).
I do this for the sake of my mental health.
When I tell people, I’m often met with confusion (a look I know very well, to be honest).
People don’t always get it. I’m actually pretty responsive one-on-one. I could probably tell you who I haven’t replied to and who hasn’t replied to me. Not because it bothers me, just how my brain works.
And I’ve thought about why it affects me more than it seems to affect some people.
It isn’t personal. It’s not because I don’t like the people.
It’s just that group chats trigger this weird social anxiety in me. Like my nervous system’s running for cover before I’ve even opened them.
And I feel a need to protect my energy, my attention span, and my anxiety levels.
So, for sake of my wellbeing, they’re being muted.
The Problem With Group Chats
So, what is it about group chats that sends me spiralling? Well, where do I begin.
They’re supposed to connect us, I think, but half the time, they leave me feeling even more disconnected. For someone who craves connection, this just won’t do.
They seem to have a much greater sense of urgency than direct messages.
They move fast, chaotically fast.
It usually goes something like:
“Omg does anyone fancy this?”
“Yes me!!! Omg go you!”
“Did anyone see this???”
“YESSSS”
“Ok so Friday then.”
… and before you know it, five people have agreed to go to puppy yoga followed by an ‘A Glass of Rosé and Oil Painting’ workshop. Then they’re all waiting on you to respond. You were in the shower for five minutes and now you have sixty notifications.
The speed is a lot. It’s social overwhelm and for me, it often tips into sensory overload. Not in the loud-noises-and-bright-lights way, but in the too-many-inputs-too-fast kind of way. Like my brain short-circuits trying to keep up.
My mind starts to match that rhythm, thoughts racing like:
I’m out of the conversation!
I didn’t get a chance to say anything!
What is going on?
Which of these messages do I even need to respond to?!
There’s no room for depth in this chaos either. It’s just everyone scrambling to get their message in before someone else.
Ah, the bliss of communal rejection
I’m making great progress with dealing better with rejection (yeah, job hunting does that for you), but boy oh boy does it still hurt me bad.
I’m sensitive. Very sensitive. You only have to read one sentence of any of my pieces to see that.
I used to take it as a personal attack if someone left me on read, and I’m proud to say I’ve moved on from that. Genuinely. But I still get confused when someone doesn't respond the way I expected. Even if I don’t take it personally, there’s still a sadness when someone ghosts me. Or when I send, “Hey! Would be lovely to see you soon!” and am met with… silence.
Group chats open us sensitive types up to a whole new level of rejection.
If one person doesn’t reply, that’s manageable.
If no one replies in a group? Soul-destroying!
I remember nervously sharing my first ever article with a group of close friends — it was about friendship, no less. One person responded with a thumbs up emoji.
What?!
There is something about being ignored by five people at once, that is ten times worse than being ignored by one.
Nope nope and nope.
Sometimes, I mute the chat just to take myself out of the conversation before I feel like I’m being left out.
I think it gives me a sense of control.
Like a tiny pre-emptive rejection I’ve orchestrated, but on my own terms. “I didn’t want to be here anyway” kind of vibes.
And don’t get me started on those moments where you send something (in your opinion) hilarious… and the only response is someone changing the subject entirely. This must happen to me once every few months. No one was even busy, they just didn’t get it. Misunderstood. Maybe they didn’t even realise you were joking. Either way — it’s like you’re doing stand-up and everyone’s just sat there awkwardly sipping their drinks in silence.
In-person cues, where art thou?
I asked my husband what he thought of group chats. He told me he once posted something he thought was hilarious in a stag (/bachelor) group chat of 15 people (bold move, to be fair). The result?
One “lol”.
He now believes there should be a rule: if you think something is funny, you must react — just to encourage others. Because he reckons loads of people actually do find things funny but stay silent.
But then again, the pressure to react is also problematic. So really, we can’t win here.
The potential for judgement is also way too high for my liking.
Did they think I’m weird?
Didn’t they get it?
Are they just waiting for someone else to react?
And without in-person cues, who can be sure of the tone?
I really struggle without being able to see someone’s body language, facial expression, and just hearing their voice.
That’s why I love emojis.
And I’ve spent years trying not taking offence when someone doesn’t use emojis but still, I’m never sure:
Is this a joke? Serious?
Because how the heck else am I supposed to know what kind of mood you are in?
Take sarcasm, an elite form of communication to have, when used well. But how do I know if something is sarcastic if you aren’t using the crying with joy emoji?
I still struggle with full stops too. It just looks angry.
One friend I lived with messaged so bluntly I avoided replying — her texts triggered my anxiety. But in person, there was no problem at all.
So yeah, many things at play here. Sensory overload, social overwhelm, social anxiety, and I’m sure ten other words we could throw in there.
A quick guide to group chat usage
So how should we be using them, if at all? Well, I’ve put together a short list, a guide, if you will. Please take it very un-seriously and do whatever the heck you want… but it’s here if you need it.
Poor uses of group chats:
Organising an event that includes two people… in a group of ten.
Anything that could (and should) be said to one person.
Your brother liaising with your parents about his arrival time for a day completely unrelated to you.
Random topics that only involve certain people in the group.
Good uses of a group chat:
Arranging a group activity that actually involves everyone.
Birthday messages — especially useful when you’ve completely forgotten someone’s birthday but someone else hasn’t.
Pictures of babies (allowed, because they’re super cute).
Celebrating wins — personal or professional!
How to cope
I’ll finish with some tips on how to cope, if you are like me and get easily overstimulated by group chats.
Mute them. Forever. If someone needs you, they can message you… separately.
Choose when to engage. Just because the chat is pinging doesn’t mean you have to jump in.
Don’t try anything funny if you’re sensitive to rejection. It’ll only end in tears.
Message separately. DM the people you want to talk to. They can @ you when you’re needed.
Use your partner as a buffer. Especially for family chats. In our house, my husband replies to his parents, and I reply to mine. I love them, but I don’t need the extra admin.
So there we have it
I love my friends. Group chats are just too overwhelming for me.
I’d choose one-to-one connection over them any day.
So, I’ll stay in these chats but I will also continue to silence them.
If you need me, I’m still here. Just not in the group.
Love from,
Imi
Relate to this so much. As an introvert, I am not a fan of any chat groups on any given day 😊
Highly relatable! When cracking a funny in a group chat with close family only to drown in the sound of very loud crickets followed by a sharp topic change makes me think of the Dr Evil scene.....riiiiggghhht! Last year I reached out to a group of peers I respect to ask if they might read in advance my chapter in a book I was collaborating in that was about to be published. Giant frikin crickets! It still haunts me to this day...I don't understand how you can be the recipient of an email from a person you know professionally who is basically asking for your help and support with something they feel extremely nervous about and NOT REPLY! I'm in two whatsapp groups professionally and I have now finally muted them because it was triggering my FONKE - fear of not knowing enough! If I need to know the answer to something I'll go search in there when I need it. Facebook community groups....don't get me started. No Mary I don't know who took your wheelie bin or what that loud bang was last night or what time Tesco's is open until on a Sunday.