Choosing Me Over Motherhood, At Least For Now

No, I won’t be having a baby just because I’m jobless and married

Why don’t you just not bother finding a job and have a baby?

That’s what people said to me when I lost my job due to redundancy, was already thinking of a career change, and figuring out what to do next.

I’d just gotten married and moved out of the city to a house in a quieter area. My husband has a stable job.

So yes, I fell right into that classic tale.
Married, house, move somewhere with good schools, baby.

Naturally, people asked why I didn’t just quit the whole career thing, and start trying now.
They didn’t understand when I shrugged my shoulders in response to the dreaded “how’s the job search going?” question, with vague responses like:
I’m going where my curiosity takes me.
I’m reconnecting with myself
with what I love, my values, what I want from a career.

And I know, I know. I must sound a bit like I was about to write a self-help book on “finding yourself”.
A lot of people found my take on it all quite awkward.
I guess if I’d excused the lack of job offers with a focus on starting a family, it would’ve made more sense to them.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

But it struck me that when a woman loses her job, the logical next step isn’t curiosity. Or reinvention. Or healing. No, apparently it’s motherhood. Not because she’s ready, in herself. Nobody asks that question. But because people don’t know what else to do with an ambitious woman who’s momentarily lost her footing.

But of course! Why didn’t I think of that! Silly, silly me. Just have a baby, all will be well, you will be instantly fulfilled, you will forget about your career. Silly me for not thinking of that one.

And maybe it’s not just them. If I’m going to put my self-awareness cap on then I’d have to admit that a huge part of this is actually me. I’m also putting expectations on myself to have my next step lined up.

You have the house! The husband! The quieter life! You want a baby at some point. You’re so lucky. Just get on with it. Are the voices of me and society at this point in my life.

And for a while, I fell for it. Because I am excited for motherhood. And I do want children. I’m 31, and I’m also incredibly aware of potential issues, and how long it could take. I think most women in their thirties think about these things, because we kind of have to.

So for a while, when the job/identity/existential crisis was particularly frustrating, and I found myself wanting to give up… my mind started to wander if maybe I did want a baby right now. Even though up until then, I’d been adamant that I’d like to wait a bit longer.

I know I’m not the only one who’s felt this tug-of-war, that feeling that maybe a baby would be the “solution” to uncertainties in their career.

And sometimes it feels like we still have this weird, ancient manual, as women. And everything is part of a grand ‘Life List’, where we’re just ticking off milestones in the hope of finally feeling like we’re doing it right. Just like in the books we studied in high school except that this time, being a ‘career woman’ is on the list as well. Whatever the heck that even means.

Damn, it’s tiring.

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Raising a family is something I want and value deeply. So a strong part of me just thought well, if that’s a certainty, then maybe I should give my all to it, sooner than intended.

I know I’m not alone in this.

Some of my friends are in jobs they’re not happy with, they want to change companies or careers even, but they’re staying put because it offers good maternity leave. In some cases they don’t even need the extra money (their partners can easily cover) but I think they feel the pressure to have a job, at least.
Because we can’t have the time a man has to figure their career out, but we also do need to have a job, and one that we’re doing great in. Because that’s what women do these days, right?

And while I completely understand their decisions, it’s unfair that they even have to think like that.
Why do they have to put their careers on hold, or stay in a job they’re unhappy in, just because society doesn’t always support us properly when we want both.
Honestly? I don’t think I’d be able to put up with that — what if it takes years?!
But I respect them for it.
Motherhood is their priority right now.

So, if I know that’s in my future, then maybe I should prioritise that.

I am lucky. I know that. I feel able to support a child.

But here comes the important part:
I don’t want to make that decision right now.

I don’t want to rush just because I feel like I should.

Marriage, property, and being in your thirties should not automatically mean that it’s time for a baby.
Stability, should not be a reason to push women towards motherhood before they’re ready. And let’s be honest, even without the external pressure, it’s pressure we’re putting on ourselves too.

And the truth is, I want to choose me for a little longer.

I know that a baby would have a safe, kind household if it arrived tomorrow (by stork of course lol). But I want to focus on me for a little longer, before I become a mother.

I have so much excitement right now. I’m seeing sides of myself that haven’t come out since I was a child.
I’m on this wild path of exploration (at least it feels wild to me), and it’s slowly building up my confidence.
I feel like I’m only just dealing with some unhealthy mindsets I’d trapped myself in for 30 years.
I have a vision to help people in some way in future.
I want to connect with people, to communicate things.
I feel like I have so much clarity and absolutely no clarity at all,
but I’m really proud of what small steps I’m taking so far.

And I know that I can do this with a family. Women are frickin’ awesome. They juggle so much. They’re incredible.

But I don’t want to balance the two right now.

Maybe I’ll change my mind in a month.

But this is me right now, and this is my decision.

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Ask me about me, not what life milestone I’m hitting

A great idea, I think, would be to start asking some alternative questions to married childless women.

Like:
What are you interested in right now?
How do you feel?
What excites you?
What are you passionate about?
What do you want to do as a couple right now?
Are you enjoying the house (without a baby…)?

And if you really want, then you may ask me when I might consider getting a dog. That’s allowed, because dogs are very cute.

But if you ask me when I want a baby, or if I’d like a bigger house, whether I’ve seen any potential mummy baby yoga groups, or try to push me towards a job I’d hate due to its great mat leave…

then I will kindly but confidently exit the conversation.

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I don’t doubt that no one means to patronise. And I count myself lucky that my family members are super considerate of the topic — to be honest, my mum skirts around the topic of kids so obviously that I found myself saying you can actually ask me if I want a baby, Mum!! But I appreciate her sensitivity around it, a lot. Not everyone is as happy to share what they want.

But I can’t help but think…
Is it wise to have a baby, as a back up for ambition?

I mean this as no disrespect to those who are in the “it pays the bills” camp regarding their jobs. To the many women I know who have always wanted to prioritise being a mother over almost anything in life, I both respect and value that perspective, massively.

I love so much that a lot of my friends have babies already, and had them under 30. I love the fact that some of my other friends just want to start trying right now and that’s what would make them happy.

But that is not me.

And I do worry that I could regret it. I’m not naive.
What if I miss my chance?
What if I’m being selfish?

And maybe that worry is part of the same script I’ve been writing for myself all along — that I have to make every decision “correctly” or else I’m failing somehow.

But I’m determined to continue on this journey of self-discovery, and career changes, and carving out a little path for myself.

To explore my identity more.
What makes me, me.
What gives me my spark.
What lights my fire.
I want to keep learning about myself.
to learn new things just for the sake of it.
to meet people.
to be able to go out a few more times, without needing a babysitter.
to enjoy just being with my husband,
and watching him grow, as a person.

To be honest, I’d also love to go on a massive f*** off holiday that I would absolutely never in a million years take a baby on. Just one more time.

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As a finishing note, I’d love it if we stop telling women to just hop on over to the next ‘life stage’. As if it’s an easy decision.

And I’d also love it if we stop telling ourselves that we need to do that too.

When I’m ready, I’m ready, and only I can determine that.

Thank you for reading. I hope this lands as a reflection on my journey, not a judgement on anyone else’s. We all deserve to choose what’s right for us, in our own time.