This really resonated. I got married in my mid-forties fully aware that kids wouldn’t be part of our story. That alone set me apart from the traditional “wife” narrative. Add to that being the second wife and step-mom and the label felt even more complicated. It came with assumptions and comparisons.
But like you, I’ve come to see that I get to define what this role means for me. I’m not less of a wife because my story looks different I’m just writing a version that fits who I am now. And honestly, there’s something powerful in claiming that on your own terms.
Thanks for your lovely comment, Lisa! It’s such an amazing feeling as a writer to hear that something has resonated. And oooh I can imagine the complexity to allll those added layers!! Challenging to navigate, but I agree, something really powerful about claiming that for yourself. A label is only what you decide to make of it.
I really liked this text. And even though I do.agree that labels are what we make off them, I also feel the wife label dies come with a lot of baggage. The mother label, too. I just realized after writing my last text here, that it's much harder to let go of what you've been socialized to do and to believe, than I thought it was.
I've met so many young people who focus on labels so much more than I think Gen X did. Or maybe it was just me who didn't focus.... My daughter was so in love with the label of wife that she was using it after he proposed, without really understanding what it meant for her selfhood. I think that was the difference between last year and this year, when she broke off the five year relationship over essential differences (he's from a very different socioeconomic background, a very Christian conservative family, and is neurodivergent to the point where he has great difficulty processing emotion, while she is extremely emotional, an outspoken feminist, and leans toward being polyamorous, and very anti-religion) and consistent misogynistic comments he made.
I'm in my second marriage now, and I struggle with relationships (all of them, not just marriage). My ideas of what a wife looks like and what I have energy for at this point in my life are conflicting. I'm happy in my marriage because I don't think as much about what the label means in the world, but more about what I want and need to give to my husband and what I can give. I am still a person without my husband, without actively raising children, but not without animals, lol.
BTW, I love to see your new posts! A bright spot in my Substack feed, and overall day!
Only just having the chance to properly read through comments and wanted to say thank you so much for this one, and for sharing.
Sounds like a really tricky situation for your daughter (and you I imagine!!) but I'm so glad it sounds like she's made the right decision/in a better place with relationships and knowing more about herself now!
Re your second marriage - I think I'm learning that to be conflicting in thoughts around it (and many other things in life lol) is just how it's always gonna be. I think not thinking too much about the meaning of the label in the world is a brilliant approach to be honest. Also yay to the animals!!
And thank you for the lovely last comment!! Means so much and I really appreciate it!
I never wanted to be a "wife". Promised myself at age 16 in 1966. So for years I did not become one. Then I did at 31, and I lost myself. So I left eight years later with a child in tow we shared. Amiably. Still friends. Then I married again on the spur of the moment to man who didn't speak English and whose language I did not speak. Go figure. Twenty-six years and counting. But, this time I was NOT a "wife" -- your piece speaks to many generations. Keep it up!
This is also something that is generational. I was the last of my friends to marry and I was desperate to have the label Mrs. Once I became an actual wife, I realised it was no big deal . I was still me.
In my case my wife makes the me in the we better. We kind of make most of our friends want to vomit, because we harmonize really well, both musically and in the way we work together.
This really resonated. I got married in my mid-forties fully aware that kids wouldn’t be part of our story. That alone set me apart from the traditional “wife” narrative. Add to that being the second wife and step-mom and the label felt even more complicated. It came with assumptions and comparisons.
But like you, I’ve come to see that I get to define what this role means for me. I’m not less of a wife because my story looks different I’m just writing a version that fits who I am now. And honestly, there’s something powerful in claiming that on your own terms.
Thanks for your lovely comment, Lisa! It’s such an amazing feeling as a writer to hear that something has resonated. And oooh I can imagine the complexity to allll those added layers!! Challenging to navigate, but I agree, something really powerful about claiming that for yourself. A label is only what you decide to make of it.
I love this, Imogen! I definitely believe in only taking the labels you want and making them your own. Easier said than done, sometimes.
Thank you Priya! Yup. Much easier said than done haha but then again, I guess it's the same with everything!
I really liked this text. And even though I do.agree that labels are what we make off them, I also feel the wife label dies come with a lot of baggage. The mother label, too. I just realized after writing my last text here, that it's much harder to let go of what you've been socialized to do and to believe, than I thought it was.
Thank you so much for this comment and for taking the time to read it!!
I've met so many young people who focus on labels so much more than I think Gen X did. Or maybe it was just me who didn't focus.... My daughter was so in love with the label of wife that she was using it after he proposed, without really understanding what it meant for her selfhood. I think that was the difference between last year and this year, when she broke off the five year relationship over essential differences (he's from a very different socioeconomic background, a very Christian conservative family, and is neurodivergent to the point where he has great difficulty processing emotion, while she is extremely emotional, an outspoken feminist, and leans toward being polyamorous, and very anti-religion) and consistent misogynistic comments he made.
I'm in my second marriage now, and I struggle with relationships (all of them, not just marriage). My ideas of what a wife looks like and what I have energy for at this point in my life are conflicting. I'm happy in my marriage because I don't think as much about what the label means in the world, but more about what I want and need to give to my husband and what I can give. I am still a person without my husband, without actively raising children, but not without animals, lol.
BTW, I love to see your new posts! A bright spot in my Substack feed, and overall day!
Only just having the chance to properly read through comments and wanted to say thank you so much for this one, and for sharing.
Sounds like a really tricky situation for your daughter (and you I imagine!!) but I'm so glad it sounds like she's made the right decision/in a better place with relationships and knowing more about herself now!
Re your second marriage - I think I'm learning that to be conflicting in thoughts around it (and many other things in life lol) is just how it's always gonna be. I think not thinking too much about the meaning of the label in the world is a brilliant approach to be honest. Also yay to the animals!!
And thank you for the lovely last comment!! Means so much and I really appreciate it!
"The kind of word that women have both aspired to and resisted."
What a sentence 🙌 in a really wonderful piece!
Thank you so much Mike!!
I never wanted to be a "wife". Promised myself at age 16 in 1966. So for years I did not become one. Then I did at 31, and I lost myself. So I left eight years later with a child in tow we shared. Amiably. Still friends. Then I married again on the spur of the moment to man who didn't speak English and whose language I did not speak. Go figure. Twenty-six years and counting. But, this time I was NOT a "wife" -- your piece speaks to many generations. Keep it up!
This is also something that is generational. I was the last of my friends to marry and I was desperate to have the label Mrs. Once I became an actual wife, I realised it was no big deal . I was still me.
☺️that’s it isn’t it, it really is no big deal but we put a lot on it being a big deal beforehand!
I felt all of these things about becoming a wife, but never articulated it as beautifully as you did.
“You’re still you, even when you add layers.” is the reminder I needed today 🫶
P.S. sorry if you got multiple notifications about this comment, I have fat fingers and kept hitting “post” prematurely 😂
Thank you Amanda 💖funny I was like “oh did I write that, yes that is quite nice actually” re the line you picked out 😂😂😂
Haha! It was quite nice!
Ooo yess. I relate to this so deeply.
In my case my wife makes the me in the we better. We kind of make most of our friends want to vomit, because we harmonize really well, both musically and in the way we work together.