Cheerleading, Musical Theatre, and Other Things I Was Really Quite Bad At
On losing my youthful confidence, and slowly bringing it back again
I want to tell you about the time I had the sheer audacity to audition for Fame the musical at university. It was in front of a row of X-Factor style judges (who were all 18, by the way), and I didn’t even get a part in the Swing Ensemble.
Honestly, I thought I had a good shot. It was just for my accommodation block, not the whole university. There were about 500 of us there, not 40,000. The competition, I thought, would be manageable.
What I hadn’t realised was that half the people were on some kind of scholarship for drama or music. I was basically up against future West End performers.
It would be remiss to excuse myself on that basis, but I’d like to add it as context, and keep the sweet little delusional part of me that still believes she could’ve gotten a part.
So I practised for days in my room, singing my heart out to Bring on Tomorrow from the show. I was so nervous.
The thing is, I’d wanted to be part of a musical for the entirety of my childhood. My favourite memories were getting on the train after school and going up to London with my Mum to see Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
I was desperate to go to this really expensive theatre school in my town and so angry that we couldn’t afford it.
Good For 18-Year-Old Me & Her Confidence!
University was my chance to get the dream. So I did what any delusional overachiever with a taste for musical theatre and mild identity confusion might do: I signed up for netball, choir, Latin dance, cheerleading, the magazine, and about ten other things I can’t even remember now. Basically, anything that sounded vaguely fun and had a signup sheet.
Spoiler: I didn’t get into anything that involved a tryout — lol — but bless my optimistic little heart for trying.
I can picture the audition scene now, still:
Me and my friends Ana, Georgie and Beth, auditioning together.
Beth had gone to a theatre school before uni, and so she obviously nailed it. Ana surprised me with her secretly excellent dance skills. Georgie and I? Er, yeah. Let’s just say that we were ever so slightly worse than the two of them.
We danced, acted and sang together, aside from our solos. I’d always wanted to be the kind of girl who could belt out a ballad in a spotlight, but my body had other plans. My hands became clammy, my voice shook like a little old lady doing karaoke.
So, yeah I didn’t get the part. Or any part actually.
But that’s not the point.
The point is: at 18, I tried everything.
And I never died of embarrassment looking back at that moment. I found it all exhilarating. The moment had me seriously pumped. So what if it didn’t work out?
Georgie and I still cackle about it at least twice a year — she’s still one of my best friends, and thank God we both survived the cringe.
Maybe that’s the key to embarrassment: friendship + seeing the comedy in it = survival.
Cheerleading tryouts was a similar situation. Honestly, I was vain, I thought I’d look cute in the outfit, and I’d watched too many of the Bring It On films. The thought of the lifts and swings terrified me, but I just thought well, you never know? Maybe it’s my calling?
Once again, wildly below average! I’m pretty sure I tripped at one point in the routine and for the most part, I was at least one step behind everyone.
But I tried! Yay me!
The “What Ifs” That Held Me Back
Somewhere into adulthood, I just stopped trying things. I took averageness as a sign to give up. I stopped backing myself and started protecting myself instead. I stopped laughing with someone if I was bad and started letting them laugh at me.
That drive to just follow what I thought I might enjoy turned into only following what I could be absolutely 150% certain that I would enjoy, or be good at.
And maybe no one ever told me I had to be great at everything. But adulthood seemed to breed a whopping great big fear of judgement inside my brain anyway.
I’d have ten new ideas in six months — tennis, book club, spoken word nights, choir, dance, sewing, writing. The list was endless. But so was the hesitation.
It’s easy to make excuses, right?
There was always a reason not to. Timing wasn’t right. Too much work. Too much commitment. Money. Not knowing anyone. Not being good at it.
What if I drop the ball lol.
What if everyone’s friends already?
What if I embarrass myself?
I always seemed to sit right on that line of: “not exactly an asset to the team, but she can join if we need spaces filled” or “won’t add anything, but won’t lose us the game either.”
And I took that as a good enough reason not to bother.
But what if being bad at something was never the problem?
What if the problem was thinking we had to be brilliant at it from the start?
It took a while for that to sink in.
A Slow Shift
During the COVID lockdowns, my mindset started to shift. I began exploring new hobbies, more for myself than for anyone else. Writing, reading a tonne, playing Animal Crossing (lol). It was great but they were all very solitary. I still didn’t actually sign up to things, until very recently.
And let me tell you, I have finally committed (ish) to one after work class, and it has been an absolute delight.
I joined a commercial dance class back in February, and I’ve been going every week for five months now. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m still one of the worst in the class. Most of the time I’m spinning in the opposite direction to everyone or asking the teacher why my brain just doesn’t seem to be computing.
Some routines I find harder than others. Sometimes I’ve had a low day and go in and can’t shake the mindset: “how is everyone else so good at this!”.
But other classes I’m reeeeally feeling the routine. We’re all jumping around and it feels great. I love hyping the other girls up in the class, cheering them on. They do the same for me.
Half the time I can’t be bothered to go, to be honest, but I do.
And I think I’ve managed it because of a few things:
Intention for connection — I went in with the aim of being friendly and open to meeting people. And because I channelled that, I’ve made some incredible friends.
Focusing on how I feel, not on doing it ‘right’ — People often don’t dance because they think they’ll look silly. But the more you loosen up, the better you actually look? Genuinely! It’s amazing, you can be bopping around confidently missing all the moves, but you feel great. Because you’re loosey goosey with it.
Bringing Back That Young, Reckless Confidence
I can’t help but think that 18 year old me got it right. She tried cheerleading because she loved the idea of it. Same with theatre.
Loving the idea of something probably means you’re excited. That’s such a sweet feeling.
And maybe everything doesn’t need to ladder up to something — a job, money, or even getting good at something. Maybe we just do it because it delights us.
Sure, I have more understandable excuses now. Less time. More commitments. Many people have kids or demanding jobs. But sometimes that makes it even more important—to carve out a little for ourselves. To just give something a go. To forget technique and channel the feeling instead.
So yeah, I think I have decided that I want to approach life how I approached my first week of university. I don’t mean with the volume of alcohol I drank. Just the zest for trying out new things that I will probably suck at.
I want to channel the me who tried things just to see what happened. The me who got rejected from almost every society team at university but lived to tell another tale.
And on that note, I’m signing up to the local book club, getting the book, telling my husband (so he’ll hold me to it), and giving it a go. Worst case scenario, I’ve given two hours of one evening to meeting new people, and discussing something I love (books). That doesn’t sound so bad, does it?
A Final Note
You might be average. You might be awful. But you might also light up, feel electric, or meet someone who becomes your new best friend.
So, I think I’ll just start backing myself with a healthy dose of delusion. See how that goes.
Who’s with me?
Now, how about you?
Is there anything you’ve been putting off trying because you didn’t think you’d be good enough at it?
Doing something just because it delights you — what a fine idea! I’m trying to move in that direction, still kinda stuck in “omg this is all so exhausting” mode, but I occasionally manage to pull off a “just because I wanna” moment. Keep up the good work and stay delighted (and delightful!)!!
I told 41 years of students they weren't born with a user manual, and they need to try everything during high school to find out what they are naturally good at and what humbles them; then work on the things that humble you, focus on the things you do well, and help others along the way. It sounds like you have the enthusiasm and fun gift!